Oct 3, 2017 - What the Hell Did I Just Read (John Dies at the End, #3). EBook (pdf, epub) What the Hell. Audio book (mp3) What the Hell Did I Just Read. Download What the Hell Did I Just Read: A Novel of Cosmic Horror Read Book Online 1. What the Hell Did I Just Read: A Novel of Cosmic Horror to download this book the link is on the last page.
armsve28 May 2017
This POS movie isn't worth even the time spent downloading it, the rating at most should be 2 stars, don't waste your time watching or you bandwidth downloading it.
Bad acting, bad special effects, even worse fight scenes. Avoid it completely.
47 out of 47 found this helpful. Was this review helpful? Sign in to vote. Don't waste your time
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strapsetter9 December 2016
OMG what was that all about? Someone should tell Benjamin that there is a big difference between being deep and being obtuse. It's bad enough that the acting is so stilted, but honestly, the story line is non-existent. My theory is that a group of first-year film students got lost in the badlands with nothing but a bag of drugs and a camera stuck in slow motion mode. I saw this movie with a large group of people,and afterwards everyone had lots of compliments for the scenery, the props, the costumes, even the stunt performers.. but not one of them could tell me what the story was about, whether the movie had any kind of point to make, or why anyone would bother to produce this kind of self-indulgent garbage. Do not waste your time watching this movie.
85 out of 87 found this helpful. Was this review helpful? Sign in to vote. Wow was that bad
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The Northlander has perhaps the most inane dialogue I have ever listened to in a movie. The sound could have been shut off, or the movie shot as a silent and I would have followed the plot just as well.
I'm not really sure what this movie was about. There are nomadic tribes in a dystopian future. Cygnus the Hunter is sent on a quest to.. I don't know what. Characters wax philosophical between poorly choreographed fight scenes, but the dialogue doesn't move the plot forward. It's all rather pointless. Scenes don't seem to go anywhere. e.g. A tribesman is hauling in a fishing net from the river, he sees something horrible in the net, falls down screaming. While fallen over he spots a smoke plume on the horizon and yells to the tribe the bad guys are coming and scampers off in terror. But what the hell was in the fishing net? At least I assume he was fishing, no one eats or drinks in the year 2961, have humans evolved to live entirely on love? Well perhaps because the bad dudes can survive in the desert-like conditions of the badlands carrying no water or food. One of the main reasons I went to see this was it is shot in the Drumheller badlands. And we see characters running up and down the clay hills and jumping on the hoodoos. Okay. The Alberta outdoor settings, prairies and badlands, I found disappointing - looks like it was shot in fall and filmed late afternoon each day casting long shadows and giving muted colours. Everything is brown, sepia coloured, drab. I've been there, in spring and summer it's quite colourful and beautiful. A chance lost by the film makers in my opinion, filmed the wrong time of year. This movie appears to be a Mad Max ripoff, and unfortunately a poor one. The weaponry is likely purposefully goofy, you might get a kick out of some of the crazy spears and clubs carried by the warriors. Other than that, blech.
79 out of 81 found this helpful. Was this review helpful? Sign in to vote. unbelievably bad
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ballyedenmaintenanceinc25 May 2017
How this movie received an 8+ rating is beyond comprehension. I am a Canadian so have an idea and appreciation of the differences found in Canadian storytelling. However this is just plain bad. Apart from an awesome location and interesting costumes and makeup (although here also inconsistent using stainless steel rings in a stone age society) No discernible story line, incomprehensible dialogue, clumsy directing, editing, and acting (although in their defense they had so little to work with) Don't waste your time or money.
84 out of 87 found this helpful. Was this review helpful? Sign in to vote. Fake, Duplicate Reviews for Inflated Rating of Indie Film
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PowerSheetAI27 May 2017
Hyped with tons of **fake, duplicate reviews by the cast and producers.** Notice how the written reviews on IMDb are nearly all around 2/10 stars, while the IMDb score is 8.4 based on only 500 reviews. You can see how all the written reviews on letterboxd are duplicates with the same review text in French written under different names (http://letterboxd.com/film/the-northlander/). Seems like an interesting Mad Max-like premise but its obviously an **indie film**, so don't watch expecting it to be even a B-list movie.
73 out of 77 found this helpful. Was this review helpful? Sign in to vote. Ratings gone bad
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I was amused by the diversity in ratings: 7.5 average from supposedly 500+ people. But only eight reviews? Six of those (evidently the honest ones) are very negative and all state the same thing: no comprehensible plot line. The other two reviews, both praising the film, are in the same chopped-English. Bogus positive reviews? Bogus ratings? Obviously so. First, a good movie doesn't get 500 ratings and only 8 reviews. Second, the chopped-English positive reviews make it pretty evident they were bought (or from foreign members of the crew). Result: I have better things to do with my time than watch an obviously scammed film.
62 out of 66 found this helpful. Was this review helpful? Sign in to vote. I can't believe i watched this? Serious WTF
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bretzy29 April 2017
Pretty much the worst thing I've ever seen. I feel like this movie was written by creatures that were not human, communicating to their occult group. I still don't understand what I just watched. Felt like there was a hidden message deep in the symbols that were displayed in the movie. If ever there was a movie for the Archons, this is it. Not sure how this got ranked an 8.6.. IMDb first time you've let me down. I still have love IMDb, 100% forgiveness for this epic disaster. No hate here, just a horrible movie that needs to be ignored by humans.
I enjoyed the scenery and some of the costumes. I also like that the actors were all slightly over weight (or normal) looking. You don't see that often in film, everyone is usually super fit.
66 out of 71 found this helpful. Was this review helpful? Sign in to vote. pretty but meaningless
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judiejodia27 October 2016
Warning: Spoilers
While this movie was filmed at incredible looking locations (go Alberta!) and the costume department deserves a big A+, giving the movie an aesthetic that is unique and very pleasing to look at, the narrative and worldbuilding were utterly neglected. The cast is promising and their characters have potential as well, but the plot is a myriad of plot lines that end up a giant mess with a lot of loose ends that never get tied up. This story just doesn't seem to know what it's supposed to be, there is no proper explanation for conflict and no true resolution, leaving a viewer quite dissatisfied. Had the characters, and especially their pasts and goals, been more fleshed out, this movie might have worked out, but a lack of details (which is not inherently bad) in the right places just makes this story confusing instead of deep. On top of that, a lot of bad clichés are used that could have been avoided easily. The female lead can literally be replaced with a sexy lamp, and the plot would not suffer for it at all, not to mention romance without proper emotional setup, familial revelations á la George Lucas and kids losing parents which added nothing to the story. The lead character is nothing but more than a broody generic white guy, while the ethnic mix in the supporting cast is lovely, but the contrast between those two gives it a mighty-whitey vs exotic beauties feeling. I was fortunate enough to witness an interview with the creator afterwards, who described himself as an 'old soul' and mentioned wanting to emphatize with 'real people' (with a futuristic primitive story with a chosen one and fight scenes every other minute?), so suddenly it all became clear. I do have to say that I loved the idea of stories being etched or formed in people's skin, with even a sort of soul mate system behind it, but this was never explained or worked out, so that was sad. According to the professional reviews the message of the film was the difference between feeling and instinct, because 'to feel is to live', and while I can see it now that it has been brought to my attention, they abandoned this for tropes that were useless. Had this been more fleshed out or even more explicit it might have worked, but the story got tangled up. I'd say, drop the cliché action movie tropes, make it a peaceful but enduring quest for lost civilization/feeling and a goal to work towards a better future for real, (hire a screenwriter), and it might've been something. My advice is watch it for the visuals, but make sure it's muted.
36 out of 38 found this helpful. Was this review helpful? Sign in to vote. Spoilers. Its so..
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Jigsjigz31 May 2017
Warning: Spoilers
Bloody awful 1/10. How on earth did anyone make this! I feel sorry for anyone that invested money into this. The plot is terrible, the story is worse, the acting is poor, the direction is rubbish and the characters make no sense. Over all a waste of time.. you would be better off watching paint dry.
16 out of 16 found this helpful. Was this review helpful? Sign in to vote. Awful Tripe, How can this happen?
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jwimdb-032751 June 2017
I usually do not bother watching a movie with less than 60% on IMDb, in fact nearer to 70%, but I am a sucker for anything set in the future. I guess I am going to have to be stricter about this.
I find myself asking 'how can this happen'? Quite how 900 people got this movie to 59% (at the time of writing) is beyond me. Is there some new way for studios to leave fake reviews on IMDb? This movie is SO SLOW it might as well be in slow motion. It is actually painful to sit through, practically plot less, the acting is dire and there nothing here for anyone. Even the fight scenes look like badly rehearsed wrestling from the 1970's. Some movies leave you wanting those 2 hours of your life back, but others make you determined to just forget it. This one only lasts 83 minutes but it feels like 5 hours! I gave it a couple of days and tried again, sadly it was just as bad. The reason I felt compelled to come and leave you this review is so that you might at least be saved from watching this terrible movie. It is too late for me, but not for you, choose something else!! I love movies and will give almost any a go but this is complete tripe. I guess that from now on I will have to wait until tens of thousands have voted if I am to trust IMDb scores.
31 out of 33 found this helpful. Was this review helpful? Sign in to vote. Such a waste of time and money, production wise
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sabribaouab27 May 2017
I didn't know that you can hire a crew to give a fake rating on IMDb. Such a good marketing technique.
There is absolutely no story in this movie, the music is horrible, acting is horrible, it is a nice Project Graduation for cinema students nothing more.
36 out of 40 found this helpful. Was this review helpful? Sign in to vote. Do not watch this movie!!!!!!
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rpgreaper8 June 2017
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This movie is a complete waste of time. Horrible acting and even worse directed action choreography. I can not understand how they even consider to release this movie without changing their name and hide in a cave for the rest of their days. This movie make 'Nazi zombies from outer space' or 'Sharknado' look like a masterpiece.
19 out of 20 found this helpful. Was this review helpful? Sign in to vote. Terrible
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kubinecmichal2 July 2017
Most terrible dialogues. Movie has no action. I could't see the movie until the end. That's all I want to write, but review must have 5 lines.. Most terrible dialogues. Movie has no action. I could't see the movie until the end. Most terrible dialogues. Movie has no action. I could't see the movie until the end. Most terrible dialogues. Movie has no action. I could't see the movie until the end.
12 out of 12 found this helpful. Was this review helpful? Sign in to vote. No story, amateur script, slow
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vojtacermak2 July 2017
This movie doesn't seem to have any story, character development - or anything in general that would make it enjoyable to watch, and additionally most things make no sense for either being futuristic or primitive, characters and script suck, the whole thing stands on over-dramatic soundtrack and camera movements. Being a fantasy fan, I got excited there is a fantasy movie out there with at this time 6.6 rating. I was not expecting it would be anything like LOTR, and quite honestly, even if it was like War Craft I would have been happy. But this movie truly offers nothing, giving 2 for at least nice scenery. No clue if so many people like it simply for being weird, or there are some fake ratings, but 6.6 makes no sense.
8 out of 8 found this helpful. Was this review helpful? Sign in to vote. This is trash
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Without sounding too dramatic this movie was almost as terrible as the director. who was also the writer..probably why it did so bad. Because the two most important roles of the movie production where given to this Ben child. Never thought it was possible for a movie to make my eyes bleed. But hey you live and you learn, lets just hope Ben learns a new career path so he can save us all the trouble of producing another piece of garbage film' if you could even call it that. :)
5 out of 5 found this helpful. Was this review helpful? Sign in to vote. Real Review
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the_doofy2 October 2017
It is obvious that this movie had its viewer rating box stuffed to some extent, I see this kind of thing a lot, especially with the occasional big money project, although I don't think this is a BIG money project.
It is also obvious some people have written negative reviews on this movie who may not have even watched it. There are some things about this particular movie that are exceptional. The costume and make up was done really well. Many of the actors have hideous scars and they are wearing pretty realistic post apocalyptic clothes. Now mind you, I never could figure out how they got the scarring, which seemed to be a central theme to the movie, or why the scarring was significant, nonetheless, the people who did the work did an excellent job. The camera work was very good, and the cinematography was at times breath taking. This was complimented by appropriate decent sounding back ground music. The acting was also decent. (The weapons were kind of ludicrous though). Editing however seemed to be non existent, as one time a wad of snot came out of the male protagonist's nose, you would think the people in charge of the movie at the very least would have edited this out. So some of the ingredients were there for a very good movie. The major problem with it is that after an hour a viewer still does not really know what is going on. We are given a synopsis of the movie, and there is a narrated intro at the start, but even with those it does not come together. I lay this squarely at the feet of director/writer. I feel sorry for all the movie crew who did such good work, it was wasted effort. The guy who shouldered this project should have allowed constructive criticism at each stage of this movie, especially in the script and story boarding. It must be nice to have that kind of money to spend as you want, but its definitely not fair to those who turned in first class work on the project, hoping for recognition. What The Hell Did I Just Read Audiobook Download Torrent
10 out of 12 found this helpful. Was this review helpful? Sign in to vote. Enjoy reading the fake reviews! They're more entertaining than the movie..
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Bad acting, production, videography and sound.. such a terrible waste of time.There's absolutely no way this POS has such a high rating other than fake reviews. The entire production crew must have been employed to create accounts and give fake high star ratings.Don't believe the fake reviews!
7 out of 8 found this helpful. Was this review helpful? Sign in to vote. nice Alberta scenery
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futuretype23 December 2017
I have to go with the low end reviewers on this (and there don't seem to be many mid range ratings). I couldn't figure out a plot, not even after ohecking wikpedia. Cygnus, the hero?, seems to get through without attending to his short well trimmed beard and without eating (as one reviewer pointed out).
Julian Black Antelope who plays Torik gives the best credible performance in this dystopian film. Unfortunately his henchmen just seem to stand around looking goofy, The others just seem to be on a set saying mundane lines. There is a bunch of aimless eaighting with many knockout blows struck that have little effect. The film had no effect on my wanting to see a resolution.
4 out of 4 found this helpful. Was this review helpful? Sign in to vote. well, I'm Stuned
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arshammotamed15 May 2018
Absolutely worst movie ever made by humans by far (by way too far) from the 2nd worst movie (which i don't know what it is).absolutely disaster and terrible in every point of view. some of the reviews say that the custom was nice but that was 100% trash too , the boy in the movie wears a kinda fashion jeans that could only be made by ppl of 1970-later and no way by nomadic ppl which uses skeleton for knife and knows nothing about anything.so don't waste even a second on this thing.
3 out of 3 found this helpful. Was this review helpful? Sign in to vote. Why did I even watch this?!
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martyfrits24 August 2018
Probably because of the high ratings and my sci-fi addiction.Piece of advice for anyone reading this: DON'T WATCH THIS GARBAGE!
2 out of 2 found this helpful. Was this review helpful? Sign in to vote. Not entirely bad.
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petteri_e24 August 2017
Good for couple of larpers playing at desert.
If you like to watch slow movie of one looking himself made by amateurs, documentaries ancient natives telling stories at nature and camping videos from summer holidays, you might even enjoy it. For anyone other, I suggest avoiding this, unless you have fidget spinner or something else to keep you occupied.
3 out of 5 found this helpful. Was this review helpful? Sign in to vote. A movie that does not respect my intelligence will not get respect from me
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martin-andersson2229 March 2019
Oook, so here is the deal, the year is 2961. They live in a non racist society. And still have casted Africans, Caucasians, Asians and various other clearly defined contemporary races. Which would have dissapeared long long ago in such a society and such a time span. Superficial, disrespectful and silly. Turned it off as soon as I realized the movie did not respect my intelligence.
1 out of 1 found this helpful. Was this review helpful? Sign in to vote. Worst Movie I've Ever Seen
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Freedom06028627 December 2018
The story is very poorly written and the direction is bad. The acting is very poor, seems like the cast were randomly chosen from people who had never acted before.
I've seen many low budget movies that at least have a somewhat interesting story to tell, but this one does not. For some reason it has a much higher IMDB rating than it deserves. Perhaps the people who made the movie have multiple accounts?
1 out of 1 found this helpful. Was this review helpful? Sign in to vote. What the hell did I just watch?
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Seriously. I have no clue what this movie was about. There is no narrative or explanations as to what is going on, how they got there, what their goal is. Nothing made sense. The characters were undeveloped and bland and most of their activities were pointless to the outcome of the movie - whatever that was supposed to be - pretty much running around a forest and desert with random fight scenes here and there and an emotionless, rather forced romance thrown in for good measure. I was determined to make it to the end but I could feel the IQ points draining out of my brain. Don't waste your time.
1 out of 1 found this helpful. Was this review helpful? Sign in to vote. Loved it
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ninjaboytw28 August 2016
I watched this movie with my girlfriend and we both liked it very much. It is a dystopian adventure, put in the year 2961, where people are living a nomadic life and all the resources are scarce. The story is very well put together, without any major plot holes, and it kept me at the edge of my seat until the end. The actors were relatively unknown to me, but they did a decent job, and their performance was believable. CGI was not used too much, but I must mention costume and make up artist, who did an incredible job in creating a very unique atmosphere that I didn't see anywhere else in the movies. If you like adventures, with good action scenes and a good story, I highly recommend you this one.
14 out of 134 found this helpful. Was this review helpful? Sign in to vote.
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What the Hell Did I Just Read: A Novel of Cosmic Horror is a 2017 comichorror novel written by Jason Pargin under the pseudonym of David Wong. It is the third book in the series after John Dies at the End and This Book Is Full of Spiders. ![]() The novel continues to follow author surrogate David Wong, his best friend John and his girlfriend Amy, who are living in an American Midwest town, the name of which is Undisclosed. The town has long been a place from which eldritch creatures enter our world from other realities and dimensions, viewing humans as useful cattle at best and disgusting insects at worst. Dave and John have the ability to see these creatures, invisible to regular humans, after encountering a substance known as the 'Soy Sauce' several years ago, as depicted in John Dies at the End. This has led to them becoming semi-experts on dealing with the supernatural among both police and the general populace, over the years gaining fame in certain circles, despite both struggling to maintain financial stability. Synopsis[edit]One night, John and Dave are called to investigate a closed room disappearance of a little girl named Maggie Knoll. After questioning her father Ted and following up on the leads, John and Dave quickly establish that the abductor is a supernatural entity which can present itself in different forms, even to people in the same room. As they continue their investigation by questioning Maggie's mother Loretta, Dave's girlfriend Amy is confronted with a doppelgänger of Dave, who leads her to the girl's location under a pond near a collapsed mining shaft. As the girl is reunited with her parents, she identifies Dave as her kidnapper, but Dave and John manage to convince Ted and Loretta that this is another trick of the supernatural kidnapper. John, Dave and Amy find and trap a small insect-like creature that can disguise itself as any living or inanimate object, inserting retroactive memories of its new form so that it doesn't arouse suspicion. Before they can investigate it, another child goes missing under similar circumstances, whose mother Chastity Payton believes it to be related to BATMANTIS???, a large flying creature spotted and filmed in the area. Police detective Bowman arrives to question David on Maggie Knoll's case and finds the second child unconscious in his house, after which he arrests all three of them. The cops take Amy, Dave and John to NON, a government organization with some degree of control over time, alternate dimensions and even death, who question them on the situation. Before NON can wipe their memories, Dave, John and Amy are rescued by Chastity Payton, who takes them to a motel where she is staying with her son. Chastity explains that her memories are full of plot holes and that she was able to pierce the truth: she never had a son before last night, her memories of him were implanted, but were imperfect and didn't take. Exposed, the swarm of creatures switches to another disguise, prompting the group to flee from an armed biker gang. Dave and John take the Soy Sauce[N 1] to get to the bottom of the mystery and awaken two days later with no memory of what happened. They discover that they have made significant preparations and left themselves written messages, but continuously proceed to miss them until it's too late and accidentally release the BATMANTIS??? creature from her confinement. Amy explains that the biker gang became convinced that ten more of their kids have gone missing, and that she has been working with NON to solve the case. Still experiencing lingering effects from the Soy Sauce, Dave and John are now able to see through the illusions, revealing that all documents on the 'kids' are in fact blank and that 'Maggie' is actually a giant larva literally feeding on Loretta Knoll, who does not experience a thing. Warranty withdrawn refurbished product: References a warranty that no longer applies, because the product has been refurbished as was sold ‘as is’ without a warranty. Thus, the warranty has been removed from this product. Hp 250 g4 usb driver. Product sold by third party: This product was sold by a third party. Any warranty support needed would be completed by the third party that sold the product. Dr. Albert Marconi, a long-time associate of Dave and John with deep knowledge of the occult, arrives to [Undisclosed] after Dave and John mailed him their captured specimen while on the Soy Sauce. Marconi theorizes that the smaller creatures creating false memories are worker drones that allow the larvae to feed on the 'parent' hosts before they hatch into the Queens, one of which is already living under the pond where the first 'child' was found. Marconi designs a method to counteract the illusion, allowing them to capture the second larva and take it to NON, who already have 'Maggie' and Loretta in their custody. NON explains that the only reliable way to kill the larvae is with burning sulfur, but when they fire it at the second larva, it begins hatching. Dave and John help NON take it through a portal into a parallel universe and witness as the larva hatches into a towering infernal monstrosity that changes the idyllic world into a hellish dystopia: retroactively, so that is has always been that way. They rush to stop 'Maggie' larva from doing the same, but Ted Knoll and his ex-military friends storm the NON facility and rescue his wife and 'daughter'. Ted sends his family to Marconi, while he and his military group join John, Dave and Amy to blow up the pond mine shaft, believing it to be the nest of BATMANTIS??? creature responsible for the kidnappings. Arriving on the site, Dave and John see that the pond is actually an orifice of the giant creature, but are unable to prevent a group of divers from rescuing ten more 'children' from it and reuniting them with their biker 'parents'. They plant the sulfur bomb provided by NON, but Marconi arrives and urges them to remove and disarm it: the known vulnerability was another implanted memory, and the burning sulfur is actually required for the larvae to hatch. Unaware of this, NON arrives on the cite and tries to shoot 'children' with sulfur pellets. Ted Knoll's armed group joins the bikers in protecting the 'children', and a three-way chase occurs, ending at a collapsed bridge. The BATMANTIS??? creature shows up and distracts NON, and Ted Knoll sacrifices himself to kill it, while the bikers take their 'children' away. Several days pass, and Marconi theorizes that, unable to go though metamorphosis, the larvae will eventually die just like unhatched eggs. With this new information, NON continues to keep track on all 11 'children' and seals the 'pond' to prevent any more from being spewed forth. Detective Bowman visits the group, demanding to know the truth of what really happened, and Dave, Amy and John tell him the story. Bowman notices that Marconi's version of events make much more sense and accuses them of covering something up, before claiming to have video evidence of David turning into BATMANTIS???. With Amy and John in stunned silence, Dave claims that the video is a fake, and Bowman notes that Dave didn't even ask to see it or dismiss the idea that it could exist. Bowman then drives away, having learned everything he needed to know. Characters[edit]
What The Hell Did I Just Read Audiobook Download Free
Reception[edit]John Valeri of Criminal Elementgave the book a positive review, saying that it 'transcends the gags, the gore, the gadgets, and the gratuity.. to tell a story of survival that, despite its many absurdities, is one we’re all living.'[1] Maddie Crum of The Washington Post gave a semi-positive review, noting that 'the brisk story is too often stalled by crass bits' and that issues such as class anxiety are brought up, but remain unexplored.[2] See also[edit]Notes[edit]
References[edit]What The Hell Did I Just Read Audio Book Downloads
External links[edit]What The Hell Did I Just Read Audio Book Download Full
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